Mental Meanderings of a Soul in Progress

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

When good enough is not good enough

My sister said something to me the other day that was very wise. She said "when a person is starving, they will eat whatever is available. The moldy bread is preferable to the rotting meat, so after a while, the smell of moldy bread becomes familiar and actually starts to be a sign of things not being so bad. They lose sight of the fact that moldy bread is still moldy bread, not the fresh, wholesome food that the rest of the world is eating. Good enough becomes the norm."

Good enough isn't good enough. Good enough is what the flagging hearts of this world are using for subsistence. Good enough is fatal to the soul. Good enough makes us begin to believe that we can never have any better. Good enough is slow death.

My late father-in-law once told his son "Before you marry a woman, get her good and mad at you. That will tell you a lot about her character". I suppose he had a point there. What people do when they are angry tells you what their insecurities are, what their disposition can be like, what matters to them and what bombs they are willing to drop on you in the heat of a fight. There are other moods that can spell out a person's character in the same way: excitement, sadness, fear. FEAR Fear of the known, fear of the potential loss of emotional connection, fear of the loss of earthly possessions. Fear supposedly tells more about a person than anything. Personally, when I am afraid, I extend my talons and prepare to strike at the source of my panic. I have been wounded in the past, and the default is a defensive posture. I am sure I have hurt the ones I love by my reactions. I will not shy away from this, nor will I try to make excuses. I am what I am. Some folks will suddenly become the salt of the earth and be ultra-sweet because they know that they have done something to incite the ire of those that have instilled the fear. I don't think it is wise to judge a person by their fear reactions, because they are usually not the mode in which people operate most of the time. No, I think for the sake of every humans' sanity, they need to evaluate others based on one main criterion:

EVERYDAY BEHAVIOR

They say that if a person is nice to his friends but nasty to the waiter, that the person in question is not a nice person. The same goes for the person who turns a pleasant fact to the public and then goes home and beats his wife. The customers with whom he interacts in his day to day life may think he is a gentleman, but his wife knows better. Why she stays, well, that probably goes back to the moldy bread. She looks forward to the days when he doesn't beat her as the sweet, desirable blue crust that sustains her life. She can go along very well subsisting on this diet of filth as long as the rotting meat is only thrown at her at rare intervals. What happens when the day comes that she sees a loaf of fresh, hot, succulent oatmeal bread sitting on a cutting board, ready to be eaten? She realizes that maybe there is more to life than that moldy bread and her world is changed forever. The confusion and pain this brings is incalculable, and produces an agony that is sometimes unbearable. Would she be better off never knowing that fresh bread exists? Will she be able to survive with her diet of rot when she knows that the alternative will change her existence forever? Sometimes starvation seems like the only option. If I had the power to change the world, I would give every trapped soul the strength to reach for the loaf of fresh bread and turn their back on the rot.

But that's just me...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'd like that melancholia with a side of fries, please...

People of my genetic heritage should never, ever drink alcohol, I suspect. It does things to our personalities that make us incapable of rational thought and robs us of discretion. My grandfather was an old Swede who couldn't handle his liquor. He would go out to the bar after work on a payday and come home stinking of whiskey with empty pockets. More times than she cared to count my grandmother wept and cowered as he railed against her in his embarrassment and humiliation at having let his family down yet again. Ironically, his response to the neglect and abuse of his family caused by his systemic intolerance to alcohol was to abuse and neglect them further in his daily behavior. He had no ablilty to compensate for his shortcomings in any manner other than to compound the mistakes with more bad behavior. His lack of compassion coupled with his generally mysogynistic nature produced a truly wretched and loathesome individual.
My mother was raised with the understanding that she was to respect her elders because they were her elders. Nothing more than that. Do as I say, not as I do. Her intellect and her abililty to understand human nature at a very early age did nothing to comfort her. When the mothers got together to discuss the usual gossip and juicy tidbits, she was regaled with the story of how her own mother had attempted in vain to abort her unborn child. This incident occurred when my mom was maybe 4 years old, and it has followed her throughout her life. Her mother, and indeed any of the women present, had no idea that such a small child would pay any attention to the words of adults, and would not understand them even if they did hear. The horror that registered within her upon the understanding that her mother was attempting to rid herself of her very existence shook her to the core and caused her to grow contrite and withdrawn. She set out to become the perfect child, to prove that she was worthwhile and not something to be eradicated.
It's odd, the effect of knowing you're unwanted has on your life. You apologize for your existence. You try to make up for your shortcomings by being better than a normal person, more giving, more willing to accept poor treatment, more prepared to compensate for others' shortcomings by doing more than your fair share. Such is the life my mom led, such is the example set for her children. No wonder we all have the problems we have.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Expectations 101 Lesson #2: What they never told you while you were growing up

People have different reasons for entering relationships and marriages. Some marry for love, some for escape, some for sex, some for all these reasons. To make matters even more complicated, even the definitions of each of these terms vary from individual to individual. Love for instance. Ah, there's a term that will ignite more controversy than a lot of other less "subjective" words. What is love? To some, it's that rosy feeling you get immediately following a rousing session of blissful coitus. To others it's that dreary sense of commitment to a person or an ideal that, even though you don't know why you feel obliged to sell your heart and soul down the river to someone who doesn't return the favor, you still feel that it is your sworn duty to be there for them, no matter what, even at the expense of your own humanity(please forgive the run on sentence, this is stream of consciousness. Work with me, for crying out loud).

Someone very wise said a very wise thing to me today. He said "The answers to life's questions cannot be read in the pages of a book. If this were the case then any five year old could find them. Nor can someone tell you the answers because no two minds are identical". This came from the mind of a 22 year old, but it is so true it makes me ache inside. In this world of pop psychology and quick fixes for everything, we lose sight of the fact that building a better human is hard work. We strive to be more than we are, sometimes reaching for an unattainable goal, only to find out that the person we struggle so hard to be isn't really who we were meant to be after all. When we try to change our basic nature to fit the definition that someone else has set, we tread on dangerous ground. We are risking the integrity of our very souls by striving to alter the texture of our personalities. When one's spouse or significant other becomes someone to whom we cannot relate, is it because they have changed, or have we changed? Or maybe is it because we have stopped lying to ourselves and come to face the fact that the ones we have committed ourselves to are not the persons we thought them to be? Is it perhaps better, then, to admit defeat in the face of insurmountable odds and try to salvage what is left of a friendship and allow the wreckage of the marriage (or whatever it is) to sink to the bottom of that metaphorical ocean, secure in the knowledge that we have cut short a sentence in durance vile?

Life wasn't ever meant to be so complicated, methinks. It was supposed to be shorter than it is today, and one of struggle against the elements and the odds. We chose partners based on their general health and heartiness, not on their philosophical bent. We worked the land, side by side, and struggled to raise a family to adulthood so they could work the land after we had died at the ripe old age of 45. If we hated each other, we didn't have long to endure it, because we faded away before we could become homicidal. I believe that in these modern times, marriage isn't meant to last a lifetime. It lasts as long as we can maintain the fantasy, which sometimes turns out to be a far shorter time than we ever expected.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I wonder if he knows...

...that I think about him in the quiet moments between twilight and dark?
...that his smile can brighten even my darkest day?
...that the sound of his voice rings in my ears like the sweetest music ever created?
...that I would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING he ever asked of me, because I trust him to never want me to do anything that would cause harm?
...that his happiness is often more important to me than my own?
...that his presence in my life has made me feel far richer than I ever felt before in my life?
...that if I had the last few years to do over, I would not change a thing about our relationship, except perhaps to be more patient and understanding?
...that nothing he has ever done has hurt me, indeed that I doubt he would ever hurt me in his life?
...that I fear that I have hurt him.
...that I wish I could be a better partner for him, more understanding, more even-tempered, more stable?
...that no matter what, I will be here, waiting for him?
...how much I am going to miss him........

Friday, May 06, 2005

Expectations 101

It's funny how most of these inspirations come to me in the shower. I will be all soapy and pseudo-relaxed and suddenly an epiphany hits and I feel the burning need to write it down. I was supposed to take a vacation day today, but things snafu'd as they often do, so I have to leave soon, but I just needed to put some of these thoughts down before I do.

When you walk down the aisle with your dearly beloved, you think that nothing in the world could burst the happy little bubble that you have created, this wonderful little sphere of love and committment that is shared by two and two alone. Nothing could destroy this wonderful bond. That is, if you married for the "right" reasons. You have found the perfect person who will share the dark nights with you, who will drive away the demons, who will celebrate your victories and comfort you in your defeats, and vice versa. Nothing could upset your bliss.

That's what you THINK. Then one morning you wake up and he's not in bed beside you. You hear thumping sounds from the kitchen and go to investigate. He's up on a chair, with the broom, sweeping away invisible cobwebs from the ceiling. He looks down at you with contempt and says "I really don't see how you can live with these THINGS all over the place! And look at the pile of dishes! It's been there for days! How can you be such a slob?!?!?"

You look over at the sink and the three glasses and a spoon that have been there since last night, and think "what's he talking about?".

Ah, yes, the divergence of expectations has begun already. It's not enough to find yourself someone who is steady and dependable, loving and attentive (at least before the wedding). In order to find true wedded bliss you must look to THE MOTHER FIGURE. She is the keystone to your partner's personality, be that partner male OR female. A mother figure need not be an actual mother, either. A mother figure is simply a primary caregiver in that vital, formative period when an individual's personality is pliable and receptive. Have the good fortune to be raised by a strong, self-possessed, compassionate man, and you stand an excellent chance of being a strong, self-possessed compassionate adult. Have the bad luck to be raised by a neurotic, controlling, self-absorbed maiden aunt and you will probably be a psychological soup of self-doubt and recriminations. The list of possibilities is endless, and so is the assortment of resulting effects on the kids brought up by the lot of them.

When I was growing up, my mother always deferred to my father. She made no waves, and always sought the diplomatic, though not always most self serving end. She was a master of self-effacement and peacekeeping. She was also a hermit and a bookworm. I now have problems being direct in my work atmosphere and especially in my private life. The fact that my husband was raised by a controlling autocrat who was always right never occurred to me as a problem. In many ways, in the early days of our marriage he acted a lot like my father. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be until I found myself resenting him for the very thing that brought me to him. I didn't even have the courage to tell him I wanted to leave him for several years. It took a violent upheaval of emotion to allow me to finally articulate that I was not happy, had not been for many years, and wanted out. He was completely blindsided. He had no idea that anything was wrong, because in his world, controversy and bickering were a way of life. He thought it didn't bother me that he criticized and nagged at me because I never complained. I didn't complain because I was afraid to complain. I thought I would wind up out on the street without my kids or a penny to my name. The turning point came when I realized that my kids were grown and I had a good job and could support myself. It was then that I decided that I needed a life.

I still say, though, be careful what you invest in as far as a marriage partner. What you see in the mother is most times what you get in the offspring, and that can be either wonderful or very, very disappointing.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I got them old "alpha bitch whose been displaced, don't wanna go but they're showing me the door...

...leaving in disgrace, don't wanna feel like this anymore.....but I gots to go..." old time downhearted walkin' blues........

Nuff said.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Communication Breakdown...

I was having a conversation with someone last night, and it was all going quite fine until we reached one sticking point. That point seemed to be that I was asked a question and answered what I thought the question was in as good a way as I was capable at the time. This led to a lengthy diatribe on the part of the other individual about how I was being "evasive", how that's what I always do, and how insulting and demeaning it is. Granted, in the past I have been evasive as a means of self-protection, but this issue required no shielding, no protection. Even if I were being evasive these days, this topic would have been so far under the radar as to be embarassing. The effect all of this had on me was really quite astounding. I started out feeling bewildered, and when the assertion continued that I was being evasive and difficult, I started to get angry. Of course, once anger enters the equation, all reason and significant progress goes out the window.
Now it seems evident that the expectation is that the burden of effort will lie with me as far as accommodating and making the improvements. A simple query of "Excuse me, what question are you answering here, because that wasn't what I asked" could have short circuited all of the shouting and bad feelings, but was not even considered. Yes, I realize that it takes two people to make an argument, and yes, I realize that each party is typically responsible for no more than 50% of the problem. However, I am left with the distinct feeling that the other party considers me to be completely in the wrong, and the only one who must evaluate and change behavior. This leaves me feeling empty and cold, and dissatisfaction is the mildest of terms that can be applied to the whole scenario. I think the more accurate description would be disgusted
disgruntled
angry
disillusioned
dazed and confused
SEARCHING FOR THE ESCAPE HATCH

And I don't know what to do about it other than to either watch like a hawk everything that comes out of my mouth where this person is considered, or suspend all communications. What would you do?