Mental Meanderings of a Soul in Progress

Wednesday, September 01, 2010


Have you ever done something, for all the right reasons, but had it feel so very wrong that you don't know if you can live with the outcome?

It truly sucks.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

My new life as a whole person

Greetings to anyone who actually sees this!

It's been a long, uphill battle back from the brink of disaster. I was mostly unaware of the depths of the depression that consumed me after cancer surgery changed my physical makeup, but I am here to say that it takes more than a bit of snip and rip to keep me down. My life is changing and I am changing with it, for the better this time!

I am now the proud grandmother to a handsome two month old baby boy who is the apple of his daddy's eye, and the darling of his beautiful mother, my daughter. I am also the contented mother-in-law to a beautiful, kind, generous lady who loves my youngest daughter. The finishing touch is that I now have a sweet, sensitive, charming young lady in my circle who has chosen my son for her beloved. He is happier now than I think I have ever seen him in his whole life, and I thank the Gods for his good fortune.

It has been a strange transition for me, these past few months, from tired, sick woman to strong (although fat), confident Crone. I truly believe the corner was turned when I decided to take my existence into my own hands and start to do something to fix the problems that have haunted me for so long. I am making peace with the demons of "victim" mentality (I will go into this at another time, as I have obligations today and must attend shortly), and taking better care of my physical body by walking and swimming several times a week. I feel stronger and more sure of myself now than I have in years. I am looking forward to the next 20, 30, even 40 years for they will surely bring excitement and contentment that will counterbalance the losses that are an inevitability.

More later, for now I must fly...

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009


Yet another blow has been struck for stupidity, right-wing myopia and bias on the part of ignorant, God-invoking Neanderthals with the current referendum vote in the great state of Maine. Oh yes, if same-sex couples are allowed to wed it will be the ruin and the finish of "normal" marriage, and the downfall of the world. Such bullshit. I mean, after all, heterosexual marriage has been so bloody successful all these years, right? Male-female couples always stay married, treat each other with dignity and respect and produce perfect children all the time, right?

I am disgusted.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Musings of a tired lady

Sometimes I don't sleep at night. I lie awake and listen to my own heart beating. When the lights are out and I am alone, I remember that I am only temporary, and perhaps more temporary than others around me. Cancer has stolen my peace of mind and my sense of permanence. I know I am vulnerable, and I resent it. I liked being oblivious. Now I lie awake and listen to my own breath, knowing that it is going to cease long before I am ready for it to, no matter how old I may get to be. This world is temporary, so do what you need to for your peace of mind, because you will never get a second chance. Listen to the drumbeats, the tattoo that spells out your mortality.

My daughter is carrying a baby boy. I will be a grandmother in about 4 more months. I plan to be around to help this little fellow grow up to be a strong and loving man. Thinking about him helps to keep the drums quiet, even though I know they are always right there on the edge of my consciousness.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

And so it goes

It's August. My world is changing, and I am pleased. I am going to be a grandmother in the early part of next year. My youngest is getting married in two weeks. I am cancer free and gaining strength by the day. I have made peace with some demons that have plagued me for a long time, and I think I know which way I will travel, at least for a little while. Life is not all bad. I do well with my solitude. It is the best way for me to know that I am, after all, just me.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

And so it goes

It has been a very long time since I last posted. I have been down a long and harrowing road in that time, and I hope that there will be some peace for a time now. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer this past December, and was operated on to remove my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix and 13 lymph nodes. The lymph nodes had to come out because of the size of the growth. By the time I was correctly diagnosed, the tumor was 13 cm wide. 13 cm. That might not mean a lot to many, but it equals a bit over 6 inches. In a 52 year old uterus. There shouldn't be 13 cm of anything in there at this age!

I was misdiagnosed for about a year by a doctor who was disinterested, at best, in my symptoms. He kept telling me they were normal peri-menopausal goings on, and not to fret, they would soon be over. I knew that the hemorrhagic bleeding and seeping of clear fluid was not normal for me. Fortunately, the type and grade of malignancy were both slow growing and non-aggressive, and that gave me a great chance to be saved. Indeed, I had the most wonderful surgeon in the world on my case, and I think between his skill and the tencacity of my primary care physician, who would not let me take the original quack's word for what was going on, my life was saved. I healed for a few weeks, then went for a course of Internal Brachytherapy, which is focused, internal radiation. My odds for recurrence are less than 5%.

The surgical techniques they have these days are really cool. The doctor made 6 small incisions in my abdomen and inserted laparoscopes through which he did almost all of the work. When everything was trimmed away and ready, they scooped everything they wanted to get rid of out of my vagina and away. No fuss, no muss. Healing takes half the time of conventional open surgery, and the pain is minimized (although by no means absent). The part of the whole experience that is the most fascinating is the effect that surgical menopause is having on me. I am both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at times, the masks of Tragedy and Comedy, The ice queen and the devil, burning in hell. I am grateful to be alive, grateful to my good doctors, and my friends and family for their support.

Now here is the caveat: I am boiling inside with a seething, foetid anger, a rage that burns out of control at times over the stupidity of that goddamn imbecile for not recognizing my symptoms. If he had diagnosed me even 6 months earlier, I would not have had to go through radiation hell as I did. If he had done a simple, stupid biopsy a year earlier, I might not have lost my ovaries, because it would have been pre-cancerous cells they would have found, not a full blown fucking LAWN of malignancy. If I had listened to him and ignored the symptoms I might have bled to death (did I mention how anemic I was?) or I would be handed a death sentence somewhere down the road by a doctor who knew what they were talking about. If I had listened to him and been a good, obedient girl, I would be preparing to die right now. No one should die young from a disease that can be diagnosed as easily as this one. The tests are simple, and they don't lie. I want this doctor to squirm and suffer with the knowledge that he could have cost me my life. I believe he knows about it, too, not from me, but from my radiologist, who demanded to know who he was and where he practices. Maybe it will stop him from making the same mistake on another woman. Maybe they just pulled his license and left him for the dogs to devour. I don't really care which, as long as he doesn't ever do this to another woman. Damn his soul to agony forever.

As it stands right now, I go for my first follow up set of tests on June 15th. I am still scared, but not overly so. I believe it will be OK. I just wanted anyone who might stop by to know where life can go.

Don't take anything for granted. You never know when it could be taken from you. Cherish the small things, and hold your babies close to your hearts. Love like there is no tomorrow. Eat chocolate, and smile!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Stolen from a friend's blog:

The following is attributed to Dan Barker. I don't know if he really exists or if he really said it, but I don't care. This is brilliant and simple:

"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."