I am DISGUSTED

Yet another blow has been struck for stupidity, right-wing myopia and bias on the part of ignorant, God-invoking Neanderthals with the current referendum vote in the great state of Maine. Oh yes, if same-sex couples are allowed to wed it will be the ruin and the finish of "normal" marriage, and the downfall of the world. Such bullshit. I mean, after all, heterosexual marriage has been so bloody successful all these years, right? Male-female couples always stay married, treat each other with dignity and respect and produce perfect children all the time, right?

I am disgusted.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/maine-gay-marriage-law-repealed/story?id=8992720

Musings of a tired lady

Sometimes I don't sleep at night. I lie awake and listen to my own heart beating. When the lights are out and I am alone, I remember that I am only temporary, and perhaps more temporary than others around me. Cancer has stolen my peace of mind and my sense of permanence. I know I am vulnerable, and I resent it. I liked being oblivious. Now I lie awake and listen to my own breath, knowing that it is going to cease long before I am ready for it to, no matter how old I may get to be. This world is temporary, so do what you need to for your peace of mind, because you will never get a second chance. Listen to the drumbeats, the tattoo that spells out your mortality.

My daughter is carrying a baby boy. I will be a grandmother in about 4 more months. I plan to be around to help this little fellow grow up to be a strong and loving man. Thinking about him helps to keep the drums quiet, even though I know they are always right there on the edge of my consciousness.

And so it goes

It's August. My world is changing, and I am pleased. I am going to be a grandmother in the early part of next year. My youngest is getting married in two weeks. I am cancer free and gaining strength by the day. I have made peace with some demons that have plagued me for a long time, and I think I know which way I will travel, at least for a little while. Life is not all bad. I do well with my solitude. It is the best way for me to know that I am, after all, just me.

And so it goes

It has been a very long time since I last posted. I have been down a long and harrowing road in that time, and I hope that there will be some peace for a time now. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer this past December, and was operated on to remove my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix and 13 lymph nodes. The lymph nodes had to come out because of the size of the growth. By the time I was correctly diagnosed, the tumor was 13 cm wide. 13 cm. That might not mean a lot to many, but it equals a bit over 6 inches. In a 52 year old uterus. There shouldn't be 13 cm of anything in there at this age!

I was misdiagnosed for about a year by a doctor who was disinterested, at best, in my symptoms. He kept telling me they were normal peri-menopausal goings on, and not to fret, they would soon be over. I knew that the hemorrhagic bleeding and seeping of clear fluid was not normal for me. Fortunately, the type and grade of malignancy were both slow growing and non-aggressive, and that gave me a great chance to be saved. Indeed, I had the most wonderful surgeon in the world on my case, and I think between his skill and the tencacity of my primary care physician, who would not let me take the original quack's word for what was going on, my life was saved. I healed for a few weeks, then went for a course of Internal Brachytherapy, which is focused, internal radiation. My odds for recurrence are less than 5%.

The surgical techniques they have these days are really cool. The doctor made 6 small incisions in my abdomen and inserted laparoscopes through which he did almost all of the work. When everything was trimmed away and ready, they scooped everything they wanted to get rid of out of my vagina and away. No fuss, no muss. Healing takes half the time of conventional open surgery, and the pain is minimized (although by no means absent). The part of the whole experience that is the most fascinating is the effect that surgical menopause is having on me. I am both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at times, the masks of Tragedy and Comedy, The ice queen and the devil, burning in hell. I am grateful to be alive, grateful to my good doctors, and my friends and family for their support.

Now here is the caveat: I am boiling inside with a seething, foetid anger, a rage that burns out of control at times over the stupidity of that goddamn imbecile for not recognizing my symptoms. If he had diagnosed me even 6 months earlier, I would not have had to go through radiation hell as I did. If he had done a simple, stupid biopsy a year earlier, I might not have lost my ovaries, because it would have been pre-cancerous cells they would have found, not a full blown fucking LAWN of malignancy. If I had listened to him and ignored the symptoms I might have bled to death (did I mention how anemic I was?) or I would be handed a death sentence somewhere down the road by a doctor who knew what they were talking about. If I had listened to him and been a good, obedient girl, I would be preparing to die right now. No one should die young from a disease that can be diagnosed as easily as this one. The tests are simple, and they don't lie. I want this doctor to squirm and suffer with the knowledge that he could have cost me my life. I believe he knows about it, too, not from me, but from my radiologist, who demanded to know who he was and where he practices. Maybe it will stop him from making the same mistake on another woman. Maybe they just pulled his license and left him for the dogs to devour. I don't really care which, as long as he doesn't ever do this to another woman. Damn his soul to agony forever.

As it stands right now, I go for my first follow up set of tests on June 15th. I am still scared, but not overly so. I believe it will be OK. I just wanted anyone who might stop by to know where life can go.

Don't take anything for granted. You never know when it could be taken from you. Cherish the small things, and hold your babies close to your hearts. Love like there is no tomorrow. Eat chocolate, and smile!

Stolen from a friend's blog:

The following is attributed to Dan Barker. I don't know if he really exists or if he really said it, but I don't care. This is brilliant and simple:

"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."

8 Things about me

*Players have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
* Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.* Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Without further ado, here we go….

1. When I was a child I wished more than anything that I had been born a boy. Fortunately, I grew out of that. It’s much more convenient and pain-free to stay the way you were born.

2. I didn’t have my own room until my sister moved out when I was 20.

3. My favorite vegetables as a child were turnip, broccoli and corn.

4. In junior high my ambition was to be a marine biologist. A strong fear of sharks was the only thing that really kept me from pursuing it. To this day I will not swim in the ocean.

5. My all time favorite sandwich is liverwurst and dill pickles.

6. I dread using the elevator, and will try to get hotel rooms near the ground floor. The only way my co-workers got me to the bar at the Hancock Tower in Chicago was to get me drunk first…because the bar is on the 95^th floor!

7. One of my goals is to get the autographs of Tedy Bruschi, Tom Brady and Junior Seau. I don’t want to buy them, I want to get them in person. If you don’t know who they are, don’t even bother to ask.

8. I cannot sleep if my feet are either too hot or too cold. Too cold is the worst. I sleep with socks on from October to April.

Since I don’t post regularly to this blog, and since I don’t have a whole host of friends collected, I will probably tag friends from my live journal page. Some responses are apt to be public, some “friends only”. Such is life…

I tag:

Fnoxib

Astralquest

Halloweenboy

Damocles_tongue

Sagebearz

Tinman

Harlot_brady

Limegreensquid

Just a fun little meme

1.You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

My best friend's wife


2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Couldn’t do that for professional/ethical reasons



3.Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

My best friend's wife


4. What is your favorite cheese?

Sharp Cheddar


5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What shall you choose?

Probably turkey, with leaf lettuce, mayonnaise, half-sour pickles, sliced tomatoes, onions and just a touch of hot pepper.


6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once (they will never call you back). Who is it?

Antonio Banderas


7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it?

Josh Groban if he were 20 years older. Right now it would just be sick…


8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Take all my best freinds out for lunch (select group that they are)


9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Santa Barbara, CA


10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill.

Put it in my bra, you never know when you'll need $100.


11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. Be brand-specific. What would you choose?

Corona


12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

Back to June 4, 1973. I would f***ing beat the crap out of my boyfriend when he said we should break up instead of just being so wimpy and hurt.


13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

When you get angry at someone, you have to go and cool off before you start in on them.


14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and whats the premise?

”Now, Boys…” It’s about men behaving badly.


15. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck.


16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Ask if they mind if I tear off a chunk to blow my nose.


17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno?

My photo chest, with all my babies in it.


18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Say goodbye and I love you to everyone I want to hear it.


19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

Invisibility.


20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

October 15th, 2002, at about 7 PM.


21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count)

My sister dying at age 21. I think life would have been very different if she had lived.


22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world. Where would you move?

Fiji


23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Shorty’s


24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude check it out I can fucking FLOAT!!!"?

My best friend…but then, I’d have to be invisible too. Gotta give the whole effect!


25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life?

Madeleine Kahn



26. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My Dad.