Don't mind me...
...but I feel a rant coming.
I am a creature of extremes. I love, I hate, I burn, I freeze. I can't sit idly by and watch the unacceptable happen, I have to get up and do something about it. It doesn't even matter if it is real or imagined, I still can't stand things that don't fall within my framework (oh, I hate that word) of acceptability. Let me explain:
I was sitting today having a lovely lunch with my significant other, and he said something that got me upset, and I flared. Oh wait, actually, he responded to a question I asked, not even his thought pattern to blame here, a perfectly honest and innocuous answer to a direct question. I wanted to know about the time frame of an event that had taken place long ago, and it turns out that it was during a mutually difficult period of our lives. That changed my entire perception of the situation, and I instantly grew angry and cold. No warning, I just shut down. This event occurred in a time when we were both seeking answers, and it has little significance to who we are today, as far as I can tell. It isn't even the event that had me upset, it was the fact that I felt powerless to control the outcome. As it turns out, there is nothing to fear, nothing to be retroactively anxious about, nothing that directly affects our relationship. It was the fact that I felt excluded. I felt like I was running a race I had no hope of winning, fighting a fight against insurmountable odds, trying to defeat a foe who can change form and shape at their whim, and I am incapable of rising to the challenge. To borrow a phrase from somebody in some movie "I got nothin'".
So here you have me, a blowtorch seeking both a flint and an extinguisher, and my S.O., a hapless victim caught in the tidal wave of my emotional storm because I couldn't have gotten there first in everything and been his be-all and end-all. I am, sadly enough, simply human. Somehow I feel like I have to be the originator, the one and only, the perfect answer to all his prayers. If I am not, I wind up feeling like I have been cheated out of something. I feel like I will not be good enough when held up in comparison to his past life. I have no faith in myself.
I cannot blame him and get angry at him for my own internal problems and shortcomings. This is not his war to fight, it is mine. I just wish I could figure out why I feel so substandard and useless.
I am a creature of extremes. I love, I hate, I burn, I freeze. I can't sit idly by and watch the unacceptable happen, I have to get up and do something about it. It doesn't even matter if it is real or imagined, I still can't stand things that don't fall within my framework (oh, I hate that word) of acceptability. Let me explain:
I was sitting today having a lovely lunch with my significant other, and he said something that got me upset, and I flared. Oh wait, actually, he responded to a question I asked, not even his thought pattern to blame here, a perfectly honest and innocuous answer to a direct question. I wanted to know about the time frame of an event that had taken place long ago, and it turns out that it was during a mutually difficult period of our lives. That changed my entire perception of the situation, and I instantly grew angry and cold. No warning, I just shut down. This event occurred in a time when we were both seeking answers, and it has little significance to who we are today, as far as I can tell. It isn't even the event that had me upset, it was the fact that I felt powerless to control the outcome. As it turns out, there is nothing to fear, nothing to be retroactively anxious about, nothing that directly affects our relationship. It was the fact that I felt excluded. I felt like I was running a race I had no hope of winning, fighting a fight against insurmountable odds, trying to defeat a foe who can change form and shape at their whim, and I am incapable of rising to the challenge. To borrow a phrase from somebody in some movie "I got nothin'".
So here you have me, a blowtorch seeking both a flint and an extinguisher, and my S.O., a hapless victim caught in the tidal wave of my emotional storm because I couldn't have gotten there first in everything and been his be-all and end-all. I am, sadly enough, simply human. Somehow I feel like I have to be the originator, the one and only, the perfect answer to all his prayers. If I am not, I wind up feeling like I have been cheated out of something. I feel like I will not be good enough when held up in comparison to his past life. I have no faith in myself.
I cannot blame him and get angry at him for my own internal problems and shortcomings. This is not his war to fight, it is mine. I just wish I could figure out why I feel so substandard and useless.
posted by Kalanchoe542 at
2:30 PM
3 Comments:
Some people like to surf, some people like to sky dive. Some people like to ride the roller coaster of strong emotions, I guess. Some of us recognize the tides of strong emotions in others and are drawn to them because it makes that person so very alive in our eyes. There is a kind of beauty in working through one's feelings. It only gets ugly if one gets stuck.
By
breakerslion, at 6:02 PM
The fear that I always have is that one of these days I am going to say something hurtful, something damaging to him that will make his heart wither in his chest and cause such pain that he will not be able to forgive me. So far, I don't think that has happened. It's like dropping an atom bomb on your neighborhood by accident; suddenly there is nothing left of the world you once knew, and you know it's all your own fault. I keep my finger as far from the trigger as possible, but I am getting older and approaching menopause, so who knows of what I am capable?
By
Kalanchoe542, at 1:41 PM
You know, I don't know that much about getting blog links, but if you find an easy way to do it let me know. thanks for your comment! I think you'll like today's too.
By
Unknown, at 9:49 AM
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