Expectations 101
It's funny how most of these inspirations come to me in the shower. I will be all soapy and pseudo-relaxed and suddenly an epiphany hits and I feel the burning need to write it down. I was supposed to take a vacation day today, but things snafu'd as they often do, so I have to leave soon, but I just needed to put some of these thoughts down before I do.
When you walk down the aisle with your dearly beloved, you think that nothing in the world could burst the happy little bubble that you have created, this wonderful little sphere of love and committment that is shared by two and two alone. Nothing could destroy this wonderful bond. That is, if you married for the "right" reasons. You have found the perfect person who will share the dark nights with you, who will drive away the demons, who will celebrate your victories and comfort you in your defeats, and vice versa. Nothing could upset your bliss.
That's what you THINK. Then one morning you wake up and he's not in bed beside you. You hear thumping sounds from the kitchen and go to investigate. He's up on a chair, with the broom, sweeping away invisible cobwebs from the ceiling. He looks down at you with contempt and says "I really don't see how you can live with these THINGS all over the place! And look at the pile of dishes! It's been there for days! How can you be such a slob?!?!?"
You look over at the sink and the three glasses and a spoon that have been there since last night, and think "what's he talking about?".
Ah, yes, the divergence of expectations has begun already. It's not enough to find yourself someone who is steady and dependable, loving and attentive (at least before the wedding). In order to find true wedded bliss you must look to THE MOTHER FIGURE. She is the keystone to your partner's personality, be that partner male OR female. A mother figure need not be an actual mother, either. A mother figure is simply a primary caregiver in that vital, formative period when an individual's personality is pliable and receptive. Have the good fortune to be raised by a strong, self-possessed, compassionate man, and you stand an excellent chance of being a strong, self-possessed compassionate adult. Have the bad luck to be raised by a neurotic, controlling, self-absorbed maiden aunt and you will probably be a psychological soup of self-doubt and recriminations. The list of possibilities is endless, and so is the assortment of resulting effects on the kids brought up by the lot of them.
When I was growing up, my mother always deferred to my father. She made no waves, and always sought the diplomatic, though not always most self serving end. She was a master of self-effacement and peacekeeping. She was also a hermit and a bookworm. I now have problems being direct in my work atmosphere and especially in my private life. The fact that my husband was raised by a controlling autocrat who was always right never occurred to me as a problem. In many ways, in the early days of our marriage he acted a lot like my father. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be until I found myself resenting him for the very thing that brought me to him. I didn't even have the courage to tell him I wanted to leave him for several years. It took a violent upheaval of emotion to allow me to finally articulate that I was not happy, had not been for many years, and wanted out. He was completely blindsided. He had no idea that anything was wrong, because in his world, controversy and bickering were a way of life. He thought it didn't bother me that he criticized and nagged at me because I never complained. I didn't complain because I was afraid to complain. I thought I would wind up out on the street without my kids or a penny to my name. The turning point came when I realized that my kids were grown and I had a good job and could support myself. It was then that I decided that I needed a life.
I still say, though, be careful what you invest in as far as a marriage partner. What you see in the mother is most times what you get in the offspring, and that can be either wonderful or very, very disappointing.
When you walk down the aisle with your dearly beloved, you think that nothing in the world could burst the happy little bubble that you have created, this wonderful little sphere of love and committment that is shared by two and two alone. Nothing could destroy this wonderful bond. That is, if you married for the "right" reasons. You have found the perfect person who will share the dark nights with you, who will drive away the demons, who will celebrate your victories and comfort you in your defeats, and vice versa. Nothing could upset your bliss.
That's what you THINK. Then one morning you wake up and he's not in bed beside you. You hear thumping sounds from the kitchen and go to investigate. He's up on a chair, with the broom, sweeping away invisible cobwebs from the ceiling. He looks down at you with contempt and says "I really don't see how you can live with these THINGS all over the place! And look at the pile of dishes! It's been there for days! How can you be such a slob?!?!?"
You look over at the sink and the three glasses and a spoon that have been there since last night, and think "what's he talking about?".
Ah, yes, the divergence of expectations has begun already. It's not enough to find yourself someone who is steady and dependable, loving and attentive (at least before the wedding). In order to find true wedded bliss you must look to THE MOTHER FIGURE. She is the keystone to your partner's personality, be that partner male OR female. A mother figure need not be an actual mother, either. A mother figure is simply a primary caregiver in that vital, formative period when an individual's personality is pliable and receptive. Have the good fortune to be raised by a strong, self-possessed, compassionate man, and you stand an excellent chance of being a strong, self-possessed compassionate adult. Have the bad luck to be raised by a neurotic, controlling, self-absorbed maiden aunt and you will probably be a psychological soup of self-doubt and recriminations. The list of possibilities is endless, and so is the assortment of resulting effects on the kids brought up by the lot of them.
When I was growing up, my mother always deferred to my father. She made no waves, and always sought the diplomatic, though not always most self serving end. She was a master of self-effacement and peacekeeping. She was also a hermit and a bookworm. I now have problems being direct in my work atmosphere and especially in my private life. The fact that my husband was raised by a controlling autocrat who was always right never occurred to me as a problem. In many ways, in the early days of our marriage he acted a lot like my father. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be until I found myself resenting him for the very thing that brought me to him. I didn't even have the courage to tell him I wanted to leave him for several years. It took a violent upheaval of emotion to allow me to finally articulate that I was not happy, had not been for many years, and wanted out. He was completely blindsided. He had no idea that anything was wrong, because in his world, controversy and bickering were a way of life. He thought it didn't bother me that he criticized and nagged at me because I never complained. I didn't complain because I was afraid to complain. I thought I would wind up out on the street without my kids or a penny to my name. The turning point came when I realized that my kids were grown and I had a good job and could support myself. It was then that I decided that I needed a life.
I still say, though, be careful what you invest in as far as a marriage partner. What you see in the mother is most times what you get in the offspring, and that can be either wonderful or very, very disappointing.
posted by Kalanchoe542 at
12:40 PM
1 Comments:
So often there is a dance within us that we refuse to see. We emuate people when we are trying hard to be just the opposite. How many children ever said, "I'll never be like that!" Then, they either resorted to the same behavior or worked so hard to be different that they were blind to other possibilities and just as trapped as they would be if they were imitating their parents. Indeed, the tangled web ensnares more than the weaver.
By
breakerslion, at 5:30 PM
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