Blogging as Guising

I have become familiar with the practice of “guising” – assuming an identity other than that which one is commonly associated, for the purpose of exploring the inner workings of the mind and soul – through some of the work my daughter has been doing. I understand the concept, and am sometimes disturbed by the forms this may take. For instance, she is a sweet and gentle young woman, who engaged in an exercise in which she was a heinous creature that annoyed the people around her with snide comments, personal attacks (poking, teasing, intimidating expressions) and rude behavior. This was all carried out at a costume party, and her outfit was so effective and concealing that the only person who knew her identity was the conspirator who helped her dress. At the end of the party people went their ways, shaking their heads at the odd experience they had had, wondering where their sweet friend was and why she was not there. No one thought she had it in her to take on such a transformed persona, and those who found out her identity were astonished.

Several years ago I started a blog under an identity which was unlike my everyday face. I was a trashy, slutty girl in her late 20s who wrote of random encounters with strangers in bars, one night stands and drunken orgies. I described encounters with multiple partners (simultaneously), bisexual encounters, deviant practices and life on the edge. I developed quite a following of men who wanted to meet me, young studs anxious for a chance at the goods. I tormented them unmercifully with lewd suggestions and promises of wanton sexual abandon. I used the poor saps to make myself feel desirable and vital, while in my real life I was in turmoil. My marriage was ending, I was feeling useless and full of self-doubt, and I wanted to make someone, ANYONE want me. I didn’t care about the character of the men I attracted. I was desperate to prove to myself that I had some sexual attractiveness about me, and I didn’t care how I used anyone in order to achieve some level of self-gratification. I was a sad and pathetic middle-aged woman striving for her identity in a world that fostered anonymity. I am happy to report that I have since calmed the restless spirit within, due in large part to being loved by a wonderful man for a long enough period of time that it made me realize that it wasn’t all my failing that made my marriage crumble. There were enough roadblocks and timebombs in that union to make any rational person run screaming.

Blogging can become a vehicle for unmasking the psyche, for removing the curse of familiarity from communication and creating a space where the mind and will can run free. I have seen the comments posted by some people I have known for some time, and the freedom that they exhibit in their remarks is uncharacteristic. I have seen anger, aggression, lust, sorrow and depression in the words of my friends, expressed to the world in a medium which affords anonymity and safety. The things that are impossible for them to express in their daily lives are freely vented to the world in a forum that will neither judge nor criticize them for their weakness, their perversion, their humanity. I am surprised sometimes at the intensity of their emotion. The hostility and pent up frustration of one comes out as a cynical and biting wit, which tears the heads off of lesser individuals. Another has two blogs, one for family and friends in which he reports news of the family, the job, the weather, the house, and the other in which he describes his sexual fantasies and his longing to bed willing lovelies with huge breasts and throbbing genitalia. I wonder if my knowledge of their alter-egos has changed the tenor of their writing? Have they abridged their ranting because they are aware that there is someone about who is privy to their true identities? I sincerely hope not, as I have no intention of attenuating my growth through the self-discovery that this blog will allow me. It is entirely possible that through the use of words, lives may be changed permanently, and hopefully for the better.

Of course, some people who blog are simply perverts and egomaniacs. Go figure.