The worst part is, it's all such a lie...

I have had a difficult evening tonight. Lots of revelations, many of them very uncomfortable. Just to enumerate:

I am very lonely most of the time.

There are only two people outside of my immediate birth family that I have allowed to know the real me. One of them has been my friend since we were 11, the other I have known for about 3 and 1/2 years. I keep everyone, including my children, at arms length. I trust almost no one.

The one I trust the least is myself.

I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, all I know is that I want it to have more meaning than the first 49 years.

I am terrified that I am the only one who doesn't really see, or rather, won't admit, what a fake I am.

I am not convinced that I really know how to love anyone.

I feel very alone tonight, and I think I want to stay alone, because alone you don't get hurt.

I wish I were the sort of person that my children would want to emulate, but I realize that I have not done anything to deserve that sort of admiration.

I am lost, and I don't know how to be found.